Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
