i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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