If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize