I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
