when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Randomize
