omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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