Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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