I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
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