I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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