And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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