woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
