The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
