you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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