She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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