I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
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he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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