This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
