I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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