i just wanna soil my oats bro
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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