Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
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I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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