They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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