It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
