Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
