aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize
