Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Can Purell be used as lube?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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