i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
