i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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