Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
