I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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