I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
