when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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