Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
