The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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