I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
