Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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