I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
