I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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