Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
