connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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