Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
