I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
