she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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