I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
