Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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