News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
