Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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