What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
