I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
