I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
