Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
