currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
