Already got asked if we're dating
just tell him i said nine months
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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