I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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