Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
