You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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