You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I have aggressive nipples.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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